One of my closest friends called me recently and was just crying…deep, wracking sobs that I could barely understand her. Once I established that no one had died or something horrific happened, I just let her cry. “I’m here, take a breath and talk when you are ready”, was all I said. I sat and listened to her cry for a while. This is not a woman who does this often, or ever, as a matter of fact. She just sounded so broken and so hurt. Finally, after several minutes of this emotional purge I gently asked her what happened? And she replied…”Why does finding love have to be so goddamn hard?” And she went on further to say…” I finally found someone that I think I really would like to get to know better, someone that lit up my heart again. someone I think I could really fall for, but…”. “But what”, I asked? Through a cracking voice she said…”She just pulled away, as fast as she came in, it felt so good and right and then she just bailed on me, and I still don’t understand why.” She continued to tell me…”I’ve spent the past two months with an ache in my heart that is not going away and it scares the sh*t out of me. ” I inquired…” Why does it scare you?” (I already kinda knew the answer, knowing my friend for many years) She replied, “Because I don’t open my heart up easily, but I did for this woman, and she just got in there and now I’m afraid she’s gone for good, but my heart won’t or can’t let her go…there was something special about this one. And, on top of it all, she lives three hours away.” I said “Ok, I get you are upset that she pulled away, but what does her living three hours away have to do with anything? You know, it’s not like she lives in Iceland.” My friend laughed and said, “You’re right, I drive everywhere, all the time, where she lives doesn’t matter” I went on to further say…” Don’t let her pulling away or her location stop you from dreaming of a possible future with her, there is always hope when we care that deeply about someone. If it’s meant to be, it doesn’t matter where she lives, you will do what you need to for it to work out…right?” My friend said, “I would. I would move closer if the relationship ever got to that point…if I could ever get her to talk about things.” My friend seemed to be calming down. She just needed a release of all those pent-up feelings of love. I just thought to myself, “oh, my dear girl…you got it bad and that ain’t good.” But I did think this with a smile on my face and in my heart. It’s the best and the worst feeling in the world. I’m sorry, but falling in Like or falling in Love…it’s not easy. I don’t care how it’s portrayed in books and movies. Even on its best day, in the best of circumstances…liking or loving someone can really suck.
We glamourize love. We make it into this fairytale, a romantic bowl of wonderfulness drizzled with the whipped cream of emotions and scenes we create for ourselves, and we slurp it up with a spoon. Look, I love describing things like they are food. The point is love sucks, as much as it makes you feel alive in that you can leap off a building and fly like a bird on the wind (oh god, please, make her stop). It’s intense, it’s complicated, its exhilerating…however, it does suck. Love is bigger than anything we know, and it does not come with a handbook. There is no way of knowing. There are similar experiences people have, but the truth is, every coupling of people has its own set of dynamics and issues that truly can’t be compared to others. It’s a mystery why people fall for each other, and it’s wrapped in a blanket of complexities that make our head’s spin, but we keep taking chances at it. Over and over, like prize fighters too punch drunk to throw in the towel. Not only that, but it also makes you fight even harder, because once you feel love, you want more and more of it…like a crack addict or someone who can’t just eat one Kit-Kat because they are not satisfied until they demolish the bag (a personal reference? Perhaps.)
In any event, I think it’s important to acknowledge why love can be so damn hard sometimes. So, let’s rip off the band-aid, let out the scream and look at what’s really going on.
Falling in like/love makes you look at all your insecurities…eeeek ! And makes you as vulnerable as you will ever be…ever. Being afraid of getting hurt, being jealous, crying in front of another person, dredging up past hurts and traumas, sharing your secrets, showing your warm and fuzzy side…you’re like a wide-eyed deer in a field and they have the high-powered rifle. You run the risk of really getting emotionally annihilated. Not to mention every emotion you ever felt, say at a range of 1 to 10, now runs a range of 1 to 1000, because love intensifies every little thing you feel. Good and bad. You might even find yourself at a New Jersey Parkway toll booth, smiling and telling the tool booth collector that love is an amazing and glorious thing, and, they should have a beautiful day! Really, did you ever see the inside of a toll booth? Or, if you find yourself getting angry at something, such as a long line at Dunkin’ Donuts or trying to explain to an Amazon rep from the Philippines that you received the wrong size doggie pee-pee pads for the 2nd time (a personal reference? Perhaps.) it will all be intensified because you are feeling everything to the 10th power !(9th grade math reference)
Listen to me or not…love, big love amps up your “emotional steroids”. Big, stupid, love…you can’t avoid it. I apologize if I sound like I am down on love. I’m actually trying to find my own balance, kinda like that chunky kid on a seesaw (do they even have those things anymore? or are they a liability?) I used to be the eternal optimist with love, but I do think it helps to have a dose of reality in there. It’s healthy and its self-preserving.
So, in conclusion, in case I haven’t made it clear…falling in love sucks, but darlin’, it’s oh so worth it. I’m talking, genuine, I can’t wait to have you in my arms, kiss your face, look into those beautiful brown eyes (yes, she’s got ’em) and care for you in the way you deserve…that kind of love. Make you feel safe, steady as you walk through life and give you the strength to do anything and the peace to fall asleep knowing all is right with the world and if it isn’t, I’ve got your back. Yes, love does suck…but, trust me, fall into it, no parachute, no net…and no regrets.
xo, Michele
One20 Tuesday 