One of my closest friends called me recently, crying so hard I could barely understand her. After making sure no one had died or anything tragic had happened, I just let her cry. “I’m here. Take a breath and talk when you’re ready,” I said. I sat and listened for a while, as she sobbed. This is a woman who never does this, and she sounded so broken, so hurt.
Finally, after several minutes, I gently asked, “What happened?”
She replied through the cracks in her voice, “Why does finding love have to be so goddamn hard?”
She went on, “I finally found someone I really wanted to get to know better, someone who lit up my heart again. Someone I thought I could fall for. But…”
“But what?” I asked.
Her voice cracked even more. “She pulled away, as fast as she came in. It felt so good and right, and then she bailed on me. I don’t understand why.”
She continued, “I’ve spent the last two months with this ache in my heart that won’t go away, and it scares the hell out of me.”
I asked, “Why does it scare you?” (I already had a good idea, having known her for years.)
She replied, “Because I don’t open my heart up easily, but I did for this woman. She just got in, and now I’m afraid she’s gone for good. But my heart won’t let her go… there was something special about this one. And on top of it, she lives three hours away.”
I said, “Okay, I get that you’re upset she pulled away, but what does her living three hours away have to do with it? It’s not like she lives in Iceland.”
My friend laughed, “You’re right. I drive everywhere. Where she lives doesn’t matter.”
I continued, “Don’t let her pulling away, or the distance, stop you from imagining a future with her. When we care that deeply, there’s always hope. If it’s meant to be, the distance won’t matter. You’ll do what it takes for it to work out… right?”
She said, “I would. I’d move closer if the relationship ever got to that point… if I could just get her to talk about it.”
By now, my friend was calming down. She just needed to release all those pent-up feelings. I thought to myself, “Oh, my dear girl… you’ve got it bad, and that’s not good.” But I smiled and felt warmth in my heart. It’s the best and worst feeling in the world.
I’m sorry, but falling in love, or even just falling in like, is not easy. No matter how it’s portrayed in books and movies. Even on the best of days, with the best of circumstances, liking or loving someone can really suck.
We glamorize love. We turn it into a fairytale, a romantic fantasy drizzled with whipped cream emotions and scenarios we create for ourselves. We slurp it all up like it’s the best thing ever. But the truth is, love can suck. As much as it makes you feel alive, like you could leap off a building and fly (and oh god, please, don’t actually do that), it’s intense, complicated, and exhilarating… but it also sucks. Love is bigger than anything we know, and there’s no manual for it. There are similar experiences people have, but every relationship has its own set of dynamics and issues. Why do people fall for each other? It’s a mystery, wrapped in complexities that make our heads spin. But we keep taking the chance. Over and over, like fighters too punch-drunk to throw in the towel. And the worst part? Once you experience love, you want more and more of it, like a crack addict or someone who can’t stop at just one Kit-Kat (okay, maybe that’s just me).
Anyway, it’s important to acknowledge why love can be so damn hard sometimes. So, let’s rip off the Band-Aid, scream it out, and look at what’s really going on.
Falling in love—falling in like—forces you to confront all your insecurities. You become as vulnerable as you can possibly be. You’re afraid of getting hurt, feeling jealous, crying in front of someone, dredging up past traumas, sharing your secrets, and exposing your soft side. You’re a wide-eyed deer, and love has the high-powered rifle. The risk of emotional annihilation is real. And every emotion you feel—good or bad—runs on overdrive. You might even find yourself, in a random moment, telling a toll booth worker that love is an amazing thing and they should have a great day (seriously, have you ever seen the inside of a toll booth?). Or getting irrationally angry at a long line at Dunkin’ Donuts or trying to explain to an Amazon rep that they sent you the wrong size doggie pee pads for the second time (okay, maybe that’s me again).
The point is, love cranks up your emotional steroids. It makes everything feel more intense, for better or worse.
I’m not down on love, though. I’m just trying to find my own balance—like that chunky kid on a seesaw (do they even still have those things? Or are they a liability?). I used to be the eternal optimist when it came to love, but I’ve learned it helps to have a bit of reality mixed in. It’s healthy. It’s self-preserving.
So, in conclusion, if I haven’t made it clear: falling in love sucks. But, darling, it’s oh so worth it. I’m talking about that love where you can’t wait to hold them in your arms, kiss their face, look into their eyes (yes, she’s got them), and care for them the way they deserve. The kind of love that makes you feel safe and steady as you walk through life. The kind that gives you the strength to do anything, and the peace to fall asleep knowing everything is right with the world—and if it’s not, you’ve got each other’s back.
Yes, love sucks… but trust me, fall into it with no parachute, no net, and no regrets.
xo, Michele
One20 Tuesday 