One20 Tuesday

You know, from the title of this blog, I could be talking about letting go of your spouse or a pair of pantyhose (are they still a critical item of a woman’s underwear drawer?  I haven’t bought a pair in years) the main title seems rather vague. Or maybe you want to hold on to that vintage vinyl collection and let go of those 3-inch heels that were supposed to make you look sexy, but actually made you look like a basketball center next your date at your cousin Franny’s wedding. Do I throw it out or do I keep it ? The point is, we are constantly in a state of deciding whether we should hold on or let go. What do we keep and what do we discard? We make these decisions all the time and for the most part, they seem relatively simple.

Material things are often the easiest to let go of….old sneakers, an outdated TV, a tattered blanket, stale gum- no problem, in the trash they go. Now, let me interject here, I know there are people who struggle with throwing things out and letting them go, so please know- I understand, for some, letting go can be a serious issue. That’s a blog for another day. I’m referring to those who are able to let go, of things, without experiencing a severely anxious reaction. So, you do a clean out and let go of the material stuff. How do you feel? Most people feel good about getting rid of “stuff” that no longer serves them. Making room for new “stuff” is exciting… yes, more stuff! We’re motivated; we feel the satisfaction of the purge. You see the light of day, you made a pathway, and you’ve expanded your space. Can’t you feel the weight lifted? Is your spirit a bit lighter. It feels good…right? Right? Yes, it does feels good.

Now, take that same premise about stuff and holding on and letting go and apply it to your thoughts, beliefs and emotions. Why do we choose to hold on to thinking and feelings that no longer define us, have grown ill-fitting and tattered or are in fact not true at all? Thoughts and feelings that no longer apply, perhaps ever applied, we continue holding onto them, entrenched in their beliefs. And are the beliefs real? Are they authentic? Many times, if we feel discomfort or question them, they may no longer serve us. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself where your beliefs formulated? Most of us will answer that they are rooted in our early environmental development. Our parents, caregivers, teachers presented us with information, we encoded it, and it became our truths. The handbook in which we lived by. And as time went by, we added to the chapters of this book, building our belief system.

I remember as a little girl my 2nd grade teacher often becoming impatient with my questions and telling me in my early stages of learning math that I was not good at the subject. Whether it was true or not, I can’t say for certain (she was old, angry, frustrated and perhaps taking her dissatisfaction in life out on innocent students) but I do know that in my 8-year-old brain I took that information from someone I respected (because respect for authority was a given back then) and encoded it to be my truth. For years afterward, I struggled with math. Her words and tone resonating in my head like a bad and annoying commercial jingle you can’t shake. Hours of studying, tutors, extra help…I did whatever I could to overcome the deficit, or the perception of my deficit, but the belief had already been embedded into my young mind. It took years before I realized (I was actually a sophomore undergrad in college) that I might actually be quite good at the subject. I had a professor who asked me to help other students with formulas in a statistics class. I thought, “This guy must be desperate if he wants me to help out”, but the truth was, I had an aptitude for the subject, and I found someone who challenged my false belief…it felt very validating. I had lived many years struggling with the idea that I was not good at something…and it had nothing to do with my ability, it had to do with a false belief. I began to wonder…how many other beliefs were not mine and what was my personal truth?

We are so accepting to encode information into our emotional DNA and then rarely question it again. Why? It’s easy, it’s convenient, and it fits into the schema of our lives. We don’t want to be different…from our families, friends, and society. The pressure can be unsettling, and we risk too much by changing, so we stay stagnant. But it’s in that feeling of being stuck that we grow weary, unhappy, our dissatisfaction comes out in other areas of our lives, anger, upset, depression, anxiety, unfulfilling relationships…all often have a basis in our not being aligned with who we truly are and not being our authentic selves. Ever hear people say that they spent their entire life in a relationship, or a job and they were miserable the whole time? That’s inauthenticity at its best…we make choices, stay with them- even at the risk of our not living our lives in complete truth, or contentment.

So, how do you hold on to what works and let go of what no longer serves you? You dig. Like an emotional archeologist looking for your authentic self that lives deep down with the dinosaur bones. It’s the part of you who doesn’t care what others think. Learning to be authentic is an essential part of building meaningful relationships in your life. It’s in relationship to everything you do. Authenticity will happen when your thoughts, words, emotions and behaviors match with who you are at your core. Sounds like work. OH, my dear, it is.

Living authentically requires constant effort. Not everyone in our lives will respond favorably to our authentic self because it will challenge them as well. Example: try and change the way you do something with your family…be it where you typically sit at the Thanksgiving dinner table, to informing them that you feel differently about something in the family dynamic. Most likely, there is going to be opposition and upset. You will not only be taking yourself out of the comfort zone, but you will be disrupting their comfort zones as well. Makes for some interesting moments during the holidays. Be patient. Give the changes time. You will be creating opportunities for you to be the best and most real version of yourself, and you will also be giving others the opportunity to love you and accept you for who you truly are.

Truth is, when we become our true selves, we betray many of the thoughts and beliefs we embraced for most of our lives…and this can be very frightening. We move away from the familiarity of safety to risking becoming who we are meant to be, but there is the tradeoff, an upside.  After the dust from the stir begins to settle, after you weather the challenges from the opposing team, after you come out the other side you will be the best version of YOU, and you will embrace it. Studies have shown that living authentically leads to elevated feelings of self-esteem, a greater sense of well-being, better romantic relationships and enhanced work performances. Don’t you deserve all of that and more? in case you are wondering…you do. Without question or hesitation. Ok, there may be some hesitation, this is not for the faint of heart- it’s hard work. But it’s the kind of work that when you come out the other side, you are transformed and ready to experience life in a way you may never have imagined.

So… here’s to digging deep, finding your authenticity (and some dinosaur bones) keepin’ it real…and living the life you were meant to have…your best life. ENJOY !